A Surprise Visit by my Heart

A Self-indulgent post by John Usher

She stepped through the door and awoke the dragon. The conversation stalled as she entered the training room. She was awkward and uncomfortable. Although, thinking back, it was probably because I was openly staring. She introduced herself bluntly and sat down in the front row. Delicious eyelashes generously framed big, curious, beautiful eyes.  I instantly realised that I was in pain.

I provide accredited training through a national service provider, and see hundreds of people come
through the training centre. For the sake of professionalism, I decided I could not be 'interested' in any of the women that attend the courses and was adamant I would always maintain a respectable distance.

Well, actually I am shy and awkward outside the classroom, and outside my field of expertise, like the typical introverted facilitator. So, avoiding ladies on course for the sake of 'professionalism' is a devious way to admit that actually I am scared! Yep. Brave enough to stand in front of a room full of strangers and speak, but too anxious to talk to a sweet, attractive feminine soul. 

Never had I imagined dating at my age could be so hard. I am in my late forties and a survivor of a messy divorce that happened four years ago. Losing what I thought was my soul mate devastated my self-confidence. After a few failed relation attempts I opted to numb my feelings with career, isolation and self-lies, which worked well for me, up until Monday morning.

 I felt pain as she walked into the room. It was the pain of my heart suddenly waking up and saying – Hello, I am here! For the first time in a long time, I felt. Yes, it hurts. But in some twisted way it’s a good hurt. I awoke to the feeling that loneliness sucks. I awoke to the feeling that I wanted Melodi in my life. 

She is in my class all day every day this week. I couldn’t sleep Monday night. In fact, I haven’t been able to sleep at all this week. Mel Robbins and her 5 Second Rule would say: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, talk to her. I almost did today, then I discovered she is in her early thirties. The mind mutter got the better of me and I chickened out.

You know how those thought go… I like her, she must have a boyfriend, but I like her. She is too young to want to date an old fart like me, but I like her. I wonder if it is fair to date someone so young; What if it works and we stay together? She will be in her early forties by the time I hit sixty. And so the voices reason me in and reason me out in a never ending loop.Oh God I am messed up!

What do you think? Should I ask her on a date? Yes? Or should I leave it?

I have to say goodbye to her tomorrow as it is the end of the course. I may never see her again. So, I am facing another sleepless night as I deliberate. Help me.

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